DIVORCE. A topic nobody believes will be in their future when they utter, “I do!”
Even the marriages that start as fairy tales sometimes come to a crashing end. Too many of my close friends have gone through a divorce and I often discuss with them if they have any second thoughts about their divorce. To a person, not one of them wishes that they were back together with their spouse. They don’t pine for the days when they woke up next to Mr. Wrong. There are usually too many hard feelings and festering resentments to want to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again and yet none of my close friends who are divorced are remarried. NOT ONE. These are amazing women, attractive, educated, financially secure and yet they haven’t found a new love.
That got me to thinking about the whole concept of divorce and why couples decide to go their separate ways. After doing a little research I found the following infographic compiled by a British law firm that specializes in divorce. Here is what they found regarding the process of divorce:
Lifestyle website YourTango.com polled 100 mental health professionals in the U.S. and found that “communication problems was cited as the most common factor that leads to divorce (65 percent), followed by couples’ inability to resolve conflict (43 percent).
They survey also found that men and women have different communication complaints. Seventy percent of the experts surveyed said that men cite nagging and complaining as the top communication problem in their marriage. Women’s top complaint was that their spouse doesn’t validate their opinions or feelings enough, according to 83 percent of experts. “
In talking with my gal-pals, the lack of communications thing seems to ring true but so does infidelity. A friend of mine was married to a man for over 30 years (yes, they got married out of high school). They were leading what seemed to be an ideal life; both with great jobs, 2 successful kids and a big house. Unfortunately, my friend had no idea that she was married to a sex addict whose cheating ways were exposed by their teenage daughter who found her dad’s phone was filled with sex-texts to other women, known as sexting. It wasn’t just an affair or two but rather several dozen women that he had been sleeping with over the years. His job as a traveling salesman provided the perfect cover for his bad behavior. When my friend discovered the breadth and depth of his cheating, she couldn’t believe it or wrap her brain around the fact that she had trusted him and that they had built this wonderful life together with remarkable children and yet he had been willing to risk it all for what???? Being religious and because of who she is as a person, she was willing to go through counseling, sit through the sex-addicts rehabilitation meetings he was attending, and tried to reassemble her marriage. After a year and a half of this torture, she discovered he continued to carry-on relationships with outside women. Finally, she decided to move on with her life and divorced the rat-bastard. When she told me about what was happening in her life, I thought she was gravely ill. Given how thin she looked and how upset she was, I thought she was going to tell me she had cancer or something but no. Her condition was all due to his behavior and the violation of her trust. Awful stuff. He had us all fooled as he was so charming and charismatic and good-looking. A unicorn among men but alas, he was really just a Jackass.
I am still pissed about what she went through and how he tried to label himself as having an uncontrollable compulsion and that because he couldn’t help himself, we should forgive him. Here is her answer delivered by Beyonce:
Here was my reaction to the news:
Cheating is a constant theme among my divorced friends and usually it is the man who wandered but not always. Boys and their toys:
Although the reasons for a marriage ending are widely varied, I have been struck by how none of these women have remarried. They have all dated but not one has found a love match. Oftentimes the men they meet on Match are serial boyfriends, bouncing from one woman to another, over-and-over. Here was an interesting study by PEW research:
“Among those eligible to remarry—adults whose first marriage ended in divorce or widowhood—men are much more likely than women to have taken the plunge again. In 2013, some 64% of eligible men had remarried, compared with 52% of women. This may reflect, in part, the fact that men who have been divorced or widowed are more likely to want to remarry than are similarly situated women. Some 29% of eligible men say they want to remarry, and 36% are not sure, according to a recent Pew Research Center survey; only 30% say they do not want to marry again.
In contrast, just 15% of previously married women want to remarry, and 27% are not sure; about half of these women (54%) report that they do not want to remarry.”
I’m not sure if only 15% of my friends want to remarry but I know they don’t want to settle for some weirdo and the pickings are slim when your dating pool has shrunk to the size of a raindrop. The problem is compounded when men our age (40+) are marrying YOUNG women. I know one eligible bachelor who is 52. He is wealthy, attractive, smart, divorced. He also dates a bevy of women who are all under the age of 30. It’s a tough market out there and after hearing their stories about dating and matching online, I think I would never leave my house. I love the strong, smart, sassy women who are my divorced friends and I wish them happy lives and the companionship they deserve.